This whole thing is so.... undescribable. today was really cool, holding the baby, playing with the girls.... yet it leaves a longing.... not just for one of my own.... or for good health...

everything about these last few days has gone wrong... so very wrong.... vics i really do need you.... anyone.....

The only thing is none of you will be enough. at least not the one i want. Paul i need you to be ok... i love you so much. i deserve nothing, and even when i was with you had my second chance if you will. i dont deserve love...

Its funny how every important (< relative/close friend) person in my life let me down whether they know it or not.... and ive let them down myself..... this is all crazy.... if i felt better i might even say ironic.... im too sick to go on with this.... God help me.... another night like last in my condition and there wont be a me i dont think....